Life has a funny way…
I’m sure I’m aging myself with a reference to Alanis Morissette, but so be it.
A lot has happened since my last update. The lead up to the bar exam was a nightmare. My dad moved into hospice the weekend before the bar. The exam itself was exhausting. Both days I came home feeling like I had been run over by multiple dump trucks. I’m pretty sure I did nothing but sleep for nearly a week after.
I applied for some jobs, had a few interviews, and then landed a judicial clerkship that I was really excited about. Then my dad stopped eating and drinking. About a week later he passed away. I started my clerkship the day after he died. As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. At the time, I thought I was doing the best thing for myself. Start working, put my focus on something other than being devastated. I knew it would be difficult, but I thought I could handle it.
About 2 weeks into my new gig, there was major family drama. Like, police and actual lawyers being involved type drama. Then the bar results came out. I failed by 3 points. Basically, two multiple choice questions or another point on any of the 6 essay questions and I would have been sworn in as an attorney. And then, unrelated to my bar results, I found myself without a job. Looking back, losing my job was probably one of the best things that happened to me in the last year. I had been dealing with my dad’s death by not dealing with it, and being completely honest I was a mess.
So I took the last 2 months and grieved. I mean REALLY grieved- the ugly-crying, not ever leaving the house kind of grieving. I’m still grieving, but I don’t cry anytime something reminds me of dad. I started working on building myself back up into the woman I was “before” my dad got really sick. I’m still working on it, and will be for a long time. I think that’s how life goes, you’re always trying to make yourself into the best version of you.
After a lot of though and debate (and tears), I decided to re-take the bar in February. The exam is in 40 days, which seems like forever, but also not far enough away. I’m doing things a bit different this time. I’m still studying, using flashcards, doing practice questions and practice essays, but I’m making sure that I carve out time to take care of myself ever day. I go to the gym mid-day to break up morning studying and afternoon studying. I’m spending more time focused on specific parts of the subjects tested instead of trying to make it through a complete commercial study course with 8 hours of studying every day. I spend the last hour or two of my days catching up on our favorites shows or watching hockey.
Who knows if it will make a difference. I’m fairly certain the reason I didn’t pass this summer was because I spent my time focusing and obsessing about the bar, and not listening to my mind and body when they were clearly telling me I needed a break. By taking a bit of a break every day, I’m keeping myself from getting to the point where looking at my study books makes me want to cry.
Over the next week or so, I’ll be updating more on what exactly I’m doing to study. I’m incorporating things that I enjoy doing, like drawing and coloring. For real. There are even some days that I *gasp* am excited to sit at my desk and study.
Now, if only I could figure out a way to get paid for all the drawing and coloring I’m doing…
Emilie